From memories to lessons

Wednesday nights are usually date nights. I work, catch up on school work and spend quality time with my one. Today, we kept missing each other’s phone calls, and when we finally connected, we both had the same thought of having date night outside of the house this time. The Mr. invited me to a movie and I invited him to dinner after. I was really looking forward to it.

As I was on my way to pick him up from work, I received a call from our property manager stating that there was a leak coming from our apartment into the apartment downstairs and the commercial space on the ground floor. I was SO annoyed at the whole situation and also understood the importance of getting it looked at right away. When we moved in September, we submitted a maintenance request as we noticed there was a leak in the tub and this request went unanswered until today.

We came home and waited for the plumbers to arrive. I was pouty and in that weird space of being both really annoyed and accepting. As we were chatting, I decided that this hiccup did not have to ruin our night. I can order food, pick it up and we could watch a movie at home. My one was so happy with the suggestion, so we called in our favorite dishes from Tadka and for whatever reason, I thought to leave right away (even though the food would take 30 mins and the location is about 5 mins from our place), so the Mr. looked at the clock and said “Don’t leave yet – you can take off in about 15 minutes and you’ll be fine”, and I agreed. We chatted and after 15 mins, I was out the door.

As I walked outside of the building, I saw this woman looking around – her vibe was off to me so I side-eyed her on my way out of the building. Suddenly, I heard something I couldn’t understand behind me followed by the voice of that woman saying “Sis”. I turned around and she pointed to a car, and I , very guided and trusting, started walking towards the car. I swear sometimes I am physically guided cause the rational me would not walk towards a stranger’s car.

She completely blended into the background as I walked passed her focusing on who was in the car. A man came out and once my eyes adjusted, I realized I was standing before one of the guys I had counseled for 3 months for his substance use before he walked out of the treatment center.

I work at a men’s facility and as a professional I try to consciously not get attached to stories, to histories, to the potential, to outcomes. I am also human, and I think there will always be some degree of attachment. When this particular guy walked out, a piece of me left with his wounded child. He made it a point to come back to the treatment center the next day and shared with my clinical director he went straight to his probation officer and he was joining another program right away. Once I heard this, I felt relieved. I saw the wounded child in him during our sessions, but I also saw his 5 yr old growing up without dad, I also saw him as an older man struggling with his choices. For the last 3 weeks, I have thought about him and wished him well, and today, he was standing before me.

My first instinct was to hug him – I held back- we are not friends – I was his counselor. I gathered myself and asked him in the softest tone “what happened?” He lowered his head in a very exaggerated manner. I felt him grounded in his initial decision to reach out once he spotted me, and now was choosing to hide. I honored that space and reminded him that he can start over. He can do it again, he has gotten clean and has worked on his recovery before. I asked him to pick his head up and remember he can always turn things around. I asked him if he was back to using and he nodded – I didn’t even have to ask – I saw the bruises, I saw how much weight he has lost in 3 weeks, but there’s something so hopeful about honesty from someone who is in active addiction. At this point I saw the woman walking away from us to the front of the building and I asked him “is she with you?” , he nodded again and said “that is my baby momma”, I took a deep breath and asked “you guys are back to using together, right?”, he again nodded.

He went on to tell me that they were picking up a pizza (she parked on the backside of the establishment and had she not done this, we would have never crossed paths). He also shared that he is planning to go to another detox/rehab program by next week with the support of his P.O.- he promised. I reminded him again of how capable he is of working on his recovery, reminded him how much I believe in him and let him know I’d be checking in from afar while he completes his new program. He smiled. He was thankful and so was I. I wasn’t ready for that interaction and all the feelings that came along, but I got through it. I was emptied and filled all at the same time – it is a strange feeling.

As I got in the car and processed what just had happened I realized that I had forgotten my own wisdom. When I work with the guys, I always emphasize the importance of looking at life as multi-layered; There are always things happening in the background (whether we are aware of specifics or not) and there are always layers underneath our initial reactions/behaviors/thoughts.

Today, I was so annoyed at the leak interrupting date night, having to re-arrange plans and the fact that this could have been resolved months ago that I missed the bigger purpose of it all. I forgot that things are always happening in the background. I forgot that everything has a higher purpose and things are so perfectly designed, even when I don’t agree or don’t initially think so. Instead of flowing, I resisted (which is okay too – we humans do this), and once I saw the layer underneath, I rejoiced in what initially seemed like an inconvenience.

I had to get the call to rearrange my plans, so I can be home and decide to make the best of out of the situation, so I can then leave the house 15 mins after I was initially going to leave, just so I can coincide with another human being. How much more magical can it get?! I have no idea if this encounter was for him , me or both, but I know for a fact it was destined. I learned from it and I truly hope he got something from it too.

We are exactly where we need to be at all times – never truly late or misplaced.

Signing off grateful & with a satisfied belly and heart,

Seshat