From memories to lessons

“I choose to remain hungry and foolish” 

In August 2021, I decided to stop consuming alcohol. Though the process wasn’t easy, I knew I had to break all my comfort patterns to make the change stick. By choice (and some trauma), I don’t have many friends or frequent events where alcohol is the primary focus. I never experienced triggers from seeing others drinking while I choose not to, but I have experienced some intolerance (from me) towards others who drink excessively.

For the last two years, I have had to remain curious about how I perceive and interpret the world around me. As a complicated human, I give the occasional side eye to those heavily partaking, and I consciously have to bring myself back to that loving state of curiosity. I often observe my feelings and thoughts to inquire about their root cause and what they are directing my attention to.

Self-awareness is key. 

Recently, I chose to spend a team day with colleagues where I knew socializing and alcohol would be in focus. I genuinely wanted to share some of my time with them, so I allowed myself to experience the evening without preconceived expectations, and this is what I noticed/remembered:

Small talk is not my favorite thing to do, but I understand its purpose. It is simple to find common ground with professionals in the same field, but it is not as simple to find other topics to discuss. Discomfort, effort, and perhaps some genuine interest create small talk, and sometimes meaningful relationships are born from these interactions. Small talk can also be an opportunity to test out how much of ourselves we want to share with another person. Small talk is very roomy, as it allows for experimentation. 

Alcohol is mostly a trickster – it can act as a stimulant by providing us with the perception of a more relaxed environment while we get through all those small talks. However, alcohol is a depressant that slows down attention, speech, and motor functions. While conversing with a colleague who was drinking, I saw the flip switch. Initially, he was fully engaged, and as he continued to drink, he lost track of what he was saying and seemed stuck in a loop of thought – repeating the same things. I found myself feeling slightly annoyed and judgmental.  

I took a deep breath in, felt the ground under my feet, looked around, and returned to the conversation with more presence than before. It was essential for me to do so because even though we don’t all have the same internal troubles, we all have challenges that sometimes are too hard to overcome while being fully present. I chose to continue to express myself in the most authentic way possible, even though it felt like my counterpart was fading into oblivion. 

Checking in with oneself is essential to one’s sanity.  I have gotten into the habit of checking in with myself as intently as I do with others. After a natural pause in the interaction, I asked myself,  “Hey, are you okay – what would you like to do?”. As other small conversations began around me, I excused myself and allowed my body to direct me to a different part of the table. I navigated to another non-drinker and had a lovely, fully-present interaction. Others who were present joined in parts of the conversation, and it felt like a beautiful dance. After the dance came to a natural stop, I checked in again and decided it was time to end the night. Sometimes we unconsciously cage ourselves in situations without realizing we can check in and choose to do what is best for us in the moment.

I choose curiosity over judgment. Judging or over-analyzing a situation can become an unconscious habit that can cause mental turmoil. However, asking questions and being receptive and honest to what comes up can lead us to roads less traveled, to a sense of returning to our child-like nature (of always asking “why”), and finding gifts in the form of insights and wisdom at every turn. 

“Stay hungry. Stay foolish” – Stewart Brand

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